We live in a world of 50 of 50 when it comes to marital relationships. So many are keeping tabs, making sure that if they “scratch their spouse’s back” theirs gets scratched in return. If it does not, they get bent out of shape. Truth is, relationships never last when partners insist that everything be even across the board. A lasting, happy marriage can only exist when both sides are prepared to give 100% of themselves and not hold back. Interestingly, in relationships of lesser importance, we are often willing to give more and expect less than we do in a marital situation.

Why is that? First, it is much easier when there are no emotional strings attached. In the case of a co-worker, a neighbor, or even a friend we are much better at forgiving and allowing them the benefit of the doubt because we have fewer expectations for those individuals. More over, we usually do not have the same emotional history with an acquaintance as we do with a spouse. A shorter, unruffled past usually means that we do not anticipate hurtful behavior from that individual. In a marriage where feelings have been hurt on multiple occasions, we are often on the defensive even before the other opens their mouth to speak. Why don’t we show the same courtesy to our spouse by hoping for the best and when feelings are hurt, being willing to let it go and move on rather than harboring toxic grudges? Thinking of a spouse more as a friend in such a case might be helpful.

I am not suggesting that we should not have any expectations for our spouse or that we should forfeit our right to be treated with respect. What I am suggesting is that like with a friend or neighbor, we give our spouse the benefit of the doubt when they say or do something that we perceive as hurtful. Charity in the context of marriage means that you will give without expecting something in return, love unconditionally, and seek first to meet your partner’s needs before your own. You will quickly discover that as you forget yourself and make their happiness your aim, they will start to do the same for you. If there is a deeply negative emotional history there, it may take some time to earn back their trust. But with consistency, you will begin to see a change in how your partner responds to you. There will be more patience, more kindness, more service, more love.

As you seek to apply the 4 “C’s” in your marriage my promise is this: nothing will have the power to break your relationship because you will have the tools to weather any storm that you are confronted with. To your happily ever after.

Why compromise? Well, if you have not yet noticed, you and your partner have several innate differences.  Differing backgrounds, experiences, personalities, and the simple fact that you are of the opposite sex means you WILL think and behave differently in a number of contexts. That is the way it was meant to be. In this case, different is good. But learning how to bridge that gap requires a willingness and ability to find common ground when those differences cause conflict.

Finding a solution that satisfies both parties requires each individual to have their partner’s interest at heart. Once again, this is only possible if there is mutual understanding of the other person’s needs and wants and why they have those desires. Here is where the honest, open communication is key.  Listening intently with an open mind is crucial if a solution is to be discovered. Note as well that when conflict arises, it is easy to think in terms of black and white, right and wrong. In many cases, neither party is all right or all wrong and rarely is a situation completely black and white. Your challenge is to find a third (or fourth or fifth) solution to the problem. Remember, our goal is for everyone to win. Believe it or not, a two sided victory is possible. This can be done by thinking outside of the box (which takes some selflessness) and considering all options with an open mind.

Some practical advice. When you find yourself disagreeing with your partner, sit down, take out a piece of paper and write out the situation. Consider your options (at least three) and then discuss the pros and cons of each option. Then after deliberating with one another, choose the solution that will best fit everyone’s needs. Putting it on paper will help you clarify your thoughts and will stimulate the creative juices.

In the case of compromise, plan on making a few personal sacrifices. But when you actively work to find a mutual solution, you will draw closer together and eventually find yourselves having fewer and fewer conflicts. Practice makes perfect!

]]> http://www.myjoyquest.com/making-your-happily-ever-after-part-3/feed/ 0 http://www.myjoyquest.com/making-your-happily-ever-part-2/ http://www.myjoyquest.com/making-your-happily-ever-part-2/#comments Fri, 13 Feb 2009 04:41:25 +0000 myjoyquest http://myjoyquest.com/?p=434 …C #2 is Communication. Did I hear a groan? I know, I know. You have heard it all before. So why is it that so many people DO NOT follow this basic principle? When we choose not to talk openly and honestly with our significant other it only causes frustration, misunderstanding, and an array of other less than happy emotions. Communication, however, is much more than talking. In actuality, to really communicate with someone, listening should really be on the top of the agenda. So often we are so busy being offended and thinking of our rebuttal that we hardly hear what the other person has just said. We ought to be listening with an open mind and with a desire to understand where the other person is coming from and how the subject matter affects them.

How is this kind of communication possible? First, do what you can to make your partner feel safe. State what you do not intend (hopefully you do not intend to offend or upset them) and what your do intend (that you want to come to an understanding so both parties can be happy). Then use tactful not attacking language. Attacking language sounds like labeling, criticizing, and belittling (why are you such a slob, jerk, moron, etc) and will immediately put the other on the defensive. Instead, share your feelings honestly but take responsibility for your feelings and use more I’s than You’s (I feel embarrassed when you make sarcastic remarks about me in public). Then stop and listen. You may be surprised what he/she has to say. Assuming anything is dangerous. If anything – assume they were not intending to hurt you. Word to the wise. If you are fuming, best wait for a little while before trying to talk something out. Starting a potentially difficult conversation already upset is just a recipe for communicative disaster.

A word to those of you who expect your partner to read your mind. Cut it out! As far as I am aware, no one that I have ever known has possessed the gift of telepathy. If you want something verbalize it. Simply “saying so” will save your sanity and possibly even your relationship.

Finally, look for as many opportunities to praise your partner as you can. Praise is one of the most powerful tools in changing negative or maintaining good behavior. So if you think of something nice to say, SAY IT! A sincere compliment and a kind word is worth more than all the flowers and gifts in the world.

Commitment: If you want to have something for a long time you treat it differently, right? Consider the difference between how you treat a cheap plastic plate versus your finest piece of china. You will handle your china with care because it is valuable and you want to have it for many years to come. Similarly, marriage is no trite thing. When two people take the plunge, both parties should be in it for the long haul. With that “till death do us part, in sickness and in health” mentality, you will find yourself treating your partner with greater respect and care than you otherwise would if you just thought the relationship was going to be short term or heaven forbid a “starter” marriage. (I find the very term offensive.)

The single strongest factor in keeping any relationship together is commitment. Regardless of who you are, you will face challenges in your relationship. Those obstacles may be self inflicted or may stem from outside sources. Whatever the challenges, understanding that they will come and believing that it is possible to weather the storm with your relationship intact is vital. Certainly to do so takes work, but again, it is NOT impossible. I have seen evidence of this countless times.

Recognize also that just because you do not get the same full body tingles you used to when you first kissed does not mean you are “falling out of love.” It is called being normal. It is just like when you ride the roller coaster for the fifth time. You cannot get the same buzz you got the first time around because eventually your body adapts to that experience. This is the case with anything from eating decadent cheese cake to your sex life. There are certainly ways to keep the flame ignited in your physical relationship, but know that some of that initial novelty will wear off in every case (and that includes if you were to marry Brad Pitt or Cameron Diaz). Remember that a happy, healthy relationship is about physical AND mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

When all is said and done, commitment is the glue that will hold a relationship together.

2. O.C.D. on technology. This is a great one because when you’re constantly listening to your ipod, texting, playing video games, surfing the net – you’ll never have the time or energy to invest in people and develop real relationships. In that case, be eternally stuck to that computer screen!

3. Never smile at or talk to strangers. That way, you can continue to believe that everyone around you is a selfish, stupid, raving lunatic ensuring that you’ll miss lots of opportunities to get know a number of fine people that could brighten your day or even potentially change your life.

4. Play the blame game. Remember, it’s not your fault (snicker, snicker). It’s your mother’s fault; your co-worker’s fault; your partner’s fault; your kid’s fault; the Democrat’s fault; for Pete’s sake it’s Bush’s fault that your out of work, getting a divorce, filing for bankruptcy, suffering from depression, and fighting with your teenager. Okay, so your choices do have something to do with your current situation, but just keep pointing the finger. That way, you’ll never find a real solution to your problems since the solution can only be found by looking inward.

5. Do it for the love of money. Live to work and make more of those fabulous greenbacks so you can buy your gargantuan house, BMW, boat, and all of those other “got to have” toys that your neighbors across the street have. Ironically, you’ll discover that the more you get, the more insatiable your appetite for more becomes because let’s be honest – it’s not about what you have – it’s about having more than the next guy. If you buy into this concept, you’ll never be truly content. There’s always someone who’s going to have more.

6. Whatever you do…don’t get married or have children. Statistically speaking, married people live longer, healthier lives. Oh and kids, yeah they’re expensive and time consuming, but if you have kids you might find yourself losing focus on the all important “self” helping you develop joy spawning qualities like selflessness and humility. Obviously, this is a problem because, remember, all these points are to help you live miserably. So long as you’re always focused on number one, you can retain all the pride and selfishness in the world which, again, are very important characteristics to possess for a genuinely unhappy, unfulfilled life.

7. Eat, drink, and be merry, baby! Indulge yourself. After all, we’re all going to die someday. So in the meantime, why not overeat to your hearts content, drink like a fish, and make sure you get your fix of tobacco or some other addictive substance. By the way, do worry about that epidemic of obesity that you keep hearing about and all of the diseases linked to it. Worry is an essential part of being miserable. Not just other people die of type II diabetes and heart disease – you may very well, too! Oh and just so you know the tobacco will absolutely affect you. Liver and lung cancer aren’t just silly figments of the medical field’s imagination. I know those cigs are expensive and it’s inconvenient that you can’t smoke in public places, but isn’t it worth it? You’ve gotta love the sensation of 100 carcinogens swirling around your blackened lungs.

8. Dishonesty is the best policy. When you’re dishonest, it breeds distrust on both ends. Dishonest people are rarely trusted causing all sorts of personal problems in the work place and at home. Also, we generally see the world as we are so you’ll figure that everyone else is also a dirty liar which will make you feel that much more angst toward the world.

9. Pessimism. A good dose of this will rip the joy and beauty out of every life experience. I’ll put another money back guarantee on this one. This is a no fail principle of misery.

I’d make it an even ten, but just to aggravate you, I’m going to leave at that. I hope you find these helpful.

]]> http://www.myjoyquest.com/how-to-be-miserable-101/feed/ 0 http://www.myjoyquest.com/runnin-on-fumes/ http://www.myjoyquest.com/runnin-on-fumes/#comments Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:53:37 +0000 myjoyquest http://myjoyquest.com/?p=150 Here are some questions I’d like you to answer. Be honest now!
1- Have you exercised in the last week?
2- Have you learned or created something new today?
3- Do you regularly meditate or ponder something meaningful (e.g. values, purpose, relationships)?
4- Have you had a meaningful and uplifting social interaction with someone today? (Anything on-line DOES NOT count.)

How’d you do? If you could answer affirmatively to all or most of these questions, pat yourself on the back. If, however, you could not – flick yourself in the nose and commit to do better starting today. “But wait,” you say, “I’m a busy mom” or “I’m a full-time student” or “My boss works me to death. I don’t have time to do these things.” Stop right there! So what you’re telling me is as silly as you suggesting that you’re so busy you don’t have time to fill up your car’s gas tank. Sure you can run on fumes for a while, but eventually you’ll find yourself plum out of gas, miles away from where you really want to be.

Stephen Covey calls this sharpening the saw, habit 7 in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. But Mr. Covey wasn’t the first to come up with the idea. Abraham Lincoln was once asked the question, “What would you do if you had 8 hours to cut down a tree?” His answer. “I’d spend the first four sharpening my saw.”

Many people often think they’re being selfish if they spend the time to metaphorically sharpen their saw. Others think they are being more time effective if they neglect self care (exercise, good nutrition, meaningful social interaction, brushing up on skills) in order to accomplish other things. Ironically, doing so greatly impairs us to fulfill our many responsibilities. In order to be able to help others, you must first be healthy enough yourself to be able to give your best to others. This isn’t profound, but it is something that all too many people fail to apply in their lives. Yes, you can continue to run on fumes – but you’re not just doing yourself a disservice. It’s a disservice to the people you care about most and who are relying on you to be the best you can be.

Do you want to be the most successful parent, spouse, daughter, son, employee, boss, leader you can be? Than start today and make sure you’re working to keep your personal tank on full. No more running on fumes!