Likewise life balance, or a state of well-being and wholeness, is also in your head. You could be the world’s greatest prioritizer, planner, and executer and have all the wealth and opportunity in the world.  Yet without a positive and proactive mental attitude, you will never experience the joy and wholeness you are seeking.

Too many of us are plagued by worry and anxiety; we spend exorbitant amounts of energy fretting over mistakes of the past, fearing the unknowns of the future and ultimately creating our own veritable hell.  As the great French philosopher Montaigne said, “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.” When we allow ourselves to fall prey to the disease of worry and negative thinking, every blessing and personal triumph loses its savor. In order to feel truly whole and joyful, we must overcome our natural inclination to complain and worry and replace it with an active can-do spirit and gratitude for the gifts of today. When we are confronted with challenges, we must do all that lies within our power to solve the problem and then surrender the rest – herein lies the key to a peaceful, fulfilled life.

My mother taught me that you CAN live happily ever after…one day at a time. I am learning this as I juggle the responsibilities of wife, mom, entrepreneur, success coach, etc. It would be easy for me to go to a dark place if I allowed myself to stress about my load of responsibility and to fear the “what ifs” of the future. I could literally make myself ill stewing over all the scary possibilities. However, I know that if I choose to have realistic optimism and proactive determination, these will serve me more than any amount of whining. In fact, you and I just might discover that with a little faith, we’ll be able to find joy in the journey – even the rocky parts.

If you are truly seeking to live with life balance, I challenge you to start in your head and examine your thoughts. What do they sound like? Are they positive, empowering, and proactive or do they reek of negativity, fear, and cynicism. In this assessment, be honest with yourself and don’t be discouraged with what you discover. Contrary to what you may have heard, you can learn how to control your thoughts. Your brain can be re-trained to think positively. This takes a conscious, consistent effort – it’s real work – but in time you can rewire your mental “hard drive.” It is at this point that life will take on a more vivid beauty, doors of opportunity will open to you at every turn, and life balance will be yours.

Here’s to your success!

While joy is a choice, there are specific and practical things we can each do to increase the joy factor in our lives. This joy formula is: P (2) + B + S (2) = Joy

Purpose! Clearly defined, passionate purpose is the fire that keeps our will to do and achieve burning. Knowing our purpose serves as a compass to help us determine what we should spend our time on in a world where everything is vying for our attention. Purpose will also help dissipate darkness and discouragement and keep us moving forward toward our desired goal.

Next is Positive Thought. Our thoughts are what determine our perceptions of ourselves, the people we associate with, and our environment. Our perceptions then become our reality, true or false – good or bad. Norman Vincent Peale said, “Change your thoughts and change your world.” Therefore, watch your thoughts. They are key to your success or reason for your failure.

Balance! This is critical piece to having joy. Without it, our days are mundane at best and dreaded in the worst case. To increase balance, start with a healthy definition of what balance ought to look like in your life and your current phase. Next, prioritize and plan and make boundaries around your values. Learn to say no to some things so you can say yes to the most important things. Then, make self investing a priority. Reality is, unless you’re consciously and consistently filling your metaphorical cashbox, when people come to withdraw from you – there won’t be anything there for you to give. Finally, adjust! Balance isn’t a static state. It’s all about adapting and shifting your weight according to your situation in life. The name of the game is to adjust when you feel your losing your balance.

Strive for personal excellence. Stagnate personal growth will stifle joy faster than your two year old can mess up the living room. On the other hand, continually striving for personal excellence physically, mentally, socially, professionally, and morally produces an inexhaustible source of joy.

Last but certainly not least is Service. Service is to life what yeast is to bread – that’s what really makes us rise! When we forget about our own troubles and help someone else, we are more easily able to find the good in life. When all else fails, serve!

We are that we might have joy – I truly believe that! As you work to integrate this joy formula, I promise that your days will be brighter and you will have the success that you’re seeking personally and professionally.

While I can’t say I’d ever be thrilled about being stuck in a room full of horse chips, this story can teach us a great deal about the power of a positive paradigm. Life is full of “poopy” circumstances and obstacles that may, at times, seem unfair and far from ideal. Those challenges may look like the loss of a job, poor health and array of other things. But like the little girl, having a positive paradigm about our situation can make all the difference. Recognize that while things may look grim, there is always a silver lining to our situation if we allow ourselves to be tutored by every life experience – good or bad. It takes conscious effort to learn from the rocky parts of our journey. Yet, it isn’t the hand we’re dealt that will make life joyful and successful; it is how we respond to the cards we’re given. The willpower to choose how we react to our circumstances is the greatest gift given to mankind.

My challenge to you is to look for  the “pony” in your days and you will be empowered to rise above adversity and success and joy will naturally follow.

]]> http://www.myjoyquest.com/the-power-of-a-positive-paradigm/feed/ 0 http://www.myjoyquest.com/parenting-and-the-control-myth/ http://www.myjoyquest.com/parenting-and-the-control-myth/#comments Sat, 06 Dec 2008 04:25:43 +0000 myjoyquest http://myjoyquest.com/?p=278

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What do unicorns, Atlantis, and the Easter bunny all have in common? You guessed it, they are all myths. That is not to say that believing in myths is always bad. I am a big fan of the tooth fairy and Santa and will happily continue to propagate those fairy tales to my children and their children. There are, however, some myths that can be harmful to us if we choose to believe them. Among one of these ugly fables is the notion that we can control our children. It cannot be done and if you have been told otherwise, you have been fed a mouthful of lies.

Before I became a coach, I was employed with the Utah Youth Village as a Families First Specialist teaching at-risk families life skills. It was very much like unto what you see on Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. I learned a number of lessons from this experience, but among the most poignant is that when you try to control your kids it only causes anger, resentment, and eventually rebellion. Children who feel manipulated and abused will often turn to drugs, sex, and other kinds of delinquent behavior as a result of such treatment. Certainly this is often the case for children who suffer parental neglect, but that is outside the scope of this article.

The good news is that in order to get the desired behavior from your child, there is a better and more effective way. It is called teaching. When you teach your child what you expect from them, it gives them a clear idea of what the appropriate choice or behavior would be in a given situation. Believe it or not, children do not always make bad choices spitefully. More often than not, I believe it is because they have not been taught a better way. By nature we avoid behaviors that cause us pain and continue behaviors that produce good results. When you train a dog, you teach them the desired behavior and then when they do it, you reward them. Children learn the same way. Sit down with your child, teach them the appropriate response in a situation, and reward them when they apply it correctly. Conversely, if you have taught them and they do not obey, you extend a fair consequence and teach them the principle again. You continue this process until they get it right – always encouraging and motivating them along the way.

How do you know if as a parent you are trying to teach or control your child? Controlling is negative, demanding, reactive, and punitive when mistakes are made. Teaching is positive, instructional, focuses on prevention and openly invites free agency of the child.

Through this consistent teaching process, your child will learn how to live independently, responsibly and happily and they will do it because THEY chose to, not because you forced them – and they will love you for it.

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Please answer the following questions:
Is your cell phone bill out of this world?
Are boxes of cereal gone within a matter of hours at your house?
Does a member of your family have a flair for theatrics (i.e. incredibly dramatic and/or moody)?
Are you awake till the wee morning hours, restlessly listening for the front door to open?

If you could answer affirmatively to all these questions, it is likely you have what is called, “I am raising a teenager and I am going mad” syndrome. Never heard of that diagnosis? If you have kids, just wait – it will soon sound familiar.

Before you go check yourself into the local psych ward, here are a few tips to help you regain your sanity.

1) Praise is powerful: Have you ever been nagged or told what you are doing wrong constantly? It is not fun nor is it generally very effective in changing negative behavior. It just causes resentment. So, if the nagging is not working (and I guarantee it rarely will) try something different like PRAISE. You may be saying, “But my kid is Satan incarnate. He doesn’t ever do anything worth praising!” You are wrong. We see what we choose to see. View him through your “praise lens” and you will be astonished at what you have been missing. If you really want to see positive change, try four positives to one negative statement. This takes a watchful eye and often some creativity, but I promise you will see a vast improvement in your teen’s attitude and behavior if you will do this.

2) For heaven sakes, JUST LISTEN: So often we are so harried with life, in such a hurry to solve problems, or so bent on our own agenda that we rarely listen. If your teenager knows you will just dismiss her concern, criticize her, or suggest a quick fix, she will eventually shut down all communication lines. Even if you disagree with what she is saying, try listening without interruption. Chances are, even if you have a bad track record, your teen will begin to open up to you. Then, and only then, will they want to hear what you have to say.

3) Set boundaries and extend consequences when needed: Believe it or not, teens want rules. They want boundaries. (But of course, don’t expect them to ever tell you that.) Clear and communicated boundaries will help your teen feel loved and secure. Your teen needs a curfew. They need responsibilities around the house. They need someone to tell them about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and pornography. When they cross the line, there has to be a consequence. Conversely, if they do something right, there needs to be a positive consequence. That is how we learn, after all. Just a note: If you say you will do something, you MUST do it. Otherwise, you have just burned an important bridge of trust that is hard to rebuild.

Give these a shot. Even the smallest effort will bring great dividends. I promise.

P.S. These tips may also apply to spouses, young children, co-workers, and in-laws.

In the book Kitchen Table Wisdom by Dr. Rachel Remen, she shares an inspiring story of a young man who, though presented with a major challenge, was able to learn from and even benefit from his trial – it being the primary reason he was able to develop the selflessness and charity to touch the lives of many.

Before his diagnosis of osteogenic sarcoma, this young man (who we’ll call Jeff) had been a high school and college athlete. Nice cars, attractive women, and popularity were all part of his life. But two weeks after his diagnosis, his right leg had to be removed and while the surgery ended up being life-saving, in his mind, his life had ended. Jeff became very angry and bitter. He started taking drugs, drinking heavily, and soon alienated himself from old friends and associates. As a result of these things, he was referred by a former coach to Dr. Remen. In their first session, it became clear that Jeff harbored a great deal of resentment toward doctors and especially healthy people. To encourage openness, Dr. Remen invited him to draw a picture of his body. He proceeded to angrily draw a vase with a large, black crack down the middle – ripping the paper in the process. When Jeff left, Dr. Remen kept it, thinking it too important to throw away.

On later visits, Jeff started bringing newspaper clippings of people who had been permanently deformed in accidents. While he was still angry, Dr. Remen saw him slowly coming out of himself and becoming concerned for others’ welfare. Soon, he began going to visit patients in surgical wards whose problems were like his and he found that he had great success connecting with many of these individuals, even when others couldn’t. Doctors started asking him to come and visit specific patients because of the positive influence which he had on them. It became “a sort of ministry” for him.

One day he went to visit a young woman of 21 years who, as a preventative measure, had had both breasts removed because of a tragic family history with breast cancer. In spite of great attempts to cheer her, the young woman was so depressed she wouldn’t even so much as look up at Jeff from her hospital bed. Finally, in desperation Jeff tore his artificial leg off and let it drop to the floor with a thump. Startled, she looked up and he starting hopping around the room and snapping his fingers to some music – laughing as he did so. After a while, she busted up laughing, too. “Fella,” she said, “If you can dance, maybe I can sing.” Some time later they started visiting people together and were eventually married.

In Jeff’s final meeting with Dr. Remen, she drew out the picture of the cracked vase he’d drawn over two years before. After studying if for some time he said, “You know, it’s really not finished” and then with a crayon in hand, Jeff started to draw bright yellow lines bursting from the crack. Dr. Remen watched the smiling man somewhat puzzled. When Jeff finished, he looked up and said, “This is where the light comes through.”

This story brings to mind to the process which carbon has to undergo to become a diamond. It is only after millions of years of intense pressure and heat that a mere rock can become one of these precious and beautiful gems. Interestingly, it is because of this extreme process that diamonds are virtually indestructible.

There is something truly inspiring, uplifting, and healing in this concept. Not one of us will pass through this life without adversity and yet how wonderful is the thought that it’s not in spite of, but often because of adversity that we can more fully reach our innate potential. Some of us may be content to remain rocks, but I believe there is a grander plan for each of us – all of us are diamonds in the making. Without a doubt, we don’t wish tragedy on ourselves or those we love, but if we can approach life’s challenges with a sense of hope and determination, these trials can become a key source of strength and learning to us; a tool to help us expand our circle of influence so that we may be a great blessing in the lives of our fellow men. It is in this service that we find our purest joy.

So, next time you find yourself struggling in the midst of adversity, remember that it’s through the cracks that your light can more fully shine.

Here’s a classic example. Name this person. Failed in business. Ran for state legislature – lost. Later lost his job so he tried to get into Law School – couldn’t get in. He borrowed some money from a friend to start a business that within the year was bankrupt. He spent the next 17 years of his life trying to pay it off. Ran for state legislature again – won this time. He was engaged to be married and his fiance died, causing him to have a nervous breakdown. He was in bed for 6 months recovering. Tried to become speaker of state legislature – defeated. Sought to become elector – defeated. Ran for Congress – lost. Ran for Congress again and won this time. When he tried to get re-elected – lost. (You getting depressed yet? Well there’s more!) Tried to obtain the vice-presidential nomination at his party’s convention – got fewer than 100 votes. Ran for the Senate again – lost again. Elected president of the United States in 1860. This of course is none other than our heroic president, Abraham Lincoln. Talk about wading through some serious challenge before seeing success. This story is the quintessential example of the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!”

Oprah Winfrey is also a prime example of someone who, after what would seemingly be the ingredients for only failure, was able to rise above poverty, a broken family, and abuse to become one of the most powerful women in the world.

What do these two individuals have in common? They rose above adversity and continued to persist even under tremendous challenge. Like them we may experience failure, but it is only succumbing to and not learning from our failure that is the true tragedy. Mark Twight, owner of Gym Jones stated, “The risk of failure, social or physical, is paramount because failure and dissatisfaction are the parents of thought. Success and fulfillment do not inspire or require introspection.” If we allow ourselves to be educated by our misfortune or mistake, pull ourselves up by our boot straps and then continue on, failure will only deepen our character and strengthen our resolve to succeed – and you will so long as you persist – history is evidence of that fact.  Let it also be noted that success is never so sweet as it is when we’ve worked tirelessly for it.

Friend, to you I say don’t be afraid of failure! When hardship comes your way, stand fast through the storm and your roots will be stronger and deeper than ever before. Then, and only then, will you truly succeed.