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What do unicorns, Atlantis, and the Easter bunny all have in common? You guessed it, they are all myths. That is not to say that believing in myths is always bad. I am a big fan of the tooth fairy and Santa and will happily continue to propagate those fairy tales to my children and their children. There are, however, some myths that can be harmful to us if we choose to believe them. Among one of these ugly fables is the notion that we can control our children. It cannot be done and if you have been told otherwise, you have been fed a mouthful of lies.

Before I became a coach, I was employed with the Utah Youth Village as a Families First Specialist teaching at-risk families life skills. It was very much like unto what you see on Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. I learned a number of lessons from this experience, but among the most poignant is that when you try to control your kids it only causes anger, resentment, and eventually rebellion. Children who feel manipulated and abused will often turn to drugs, sex, and other kinds of delinquent behavior as a result of such treatment. Certainly this is often the case for children who suffer parental neglect, but that is outside the scope of this article.

The good news is that in order to get the desired behavior from your child, there is a better and more effective way. It is called teaching. When you teach your child what you expect from them, it gives them a clear idea of what the appropriate choice or behavior would be in a given situation. Believe it or not, children do not always make bad choices spitefully. More often than not, I believe it is because they have not been taught a better way. By nature we avoid behaviors that cause us pain and continue behaviors that produce good results. When you train a dog, you teach them the desired behavior and then when they do it, you reward them. Children learn the same way. Sit down with your child, teach them the appropriate response in a situation, and reward them when they apply it correctly. Conversely, if you have taught them and they do not obey, you extend a fair consequence and teach them the principle again. You continue this process until they get it right – always encouraging and motivating them along the way.

How do you know if as a parent you are trying to teach or control your child? Controlling is negative, demanding, reactive, and punitive when mistakes are made. Teaching is positive, instructional, focuses on prevention and openly invites free agency of the child.

Through this consistent teaching process, your child will learn how to live independently, responsibly and happily and they will do it because THEY chose to, not because you forced them – and they will love you for it.

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Please answer the following questions:
Is your cell phone bill out of this world?
Are boxes of cereal gone within a matter of hours at your house?
Does a member of your family have a flair for theatrics (i.e. incredibly dramatic and/or moody)?
Are you awake till the wee morning hours, restlessly listening for the front door to open?

If you could answer affirmatively to all these questions, it is likely you have what is called, “I am raising a teenager and I am going mad” syndrome. Never heard of that diagnosis? If you have kids, just wait – it will soon sound familiar.

Before you go check yourself into the local psych ward, here are a few tips to help you regain your sanity.

1) Praise is powerful: Have you ever been nagged or told what you are doing wrong constantly? It is not fun nor is it generally very effective in changing negative behavior. It just causes resentment. So, if the nagging is not working (and I guarantee it rarely will) try something different like PRAISE. You may be saying, “But my kid is Satan incarnate. He doesn’t ever do anything worth praising!” You are wrong. We see what we choose to see. View him through your “praise lens” and you will be astonished at what you have been missing. If you really want to see positive change, try four positives to one negative statement. This takes a watchful eye and often some creativity, but I promise you will see a vast improvement in your teen’s attitude and behavior if you will do this.

2) For heaven sakes, JUST LISTEN: So often we are so harried with life, in such a hurry to solve problems, or so bent on our own agenda that we rarely listen. If your teenager knows you will just dismiss her concern, criticize her, or suggest a quick fix, she will eventually shut down all communication lines. Even if you disagree with what she is saying, try listening without interruption. Chances are, even if you have a bad track record, your teen will begin to open up to you. Then, and only then, will they want to hear what you have to say.

3) Set boundaries and extend consequences when needed: Believe it or not, teens want rules. They want boundaries. (But of course, don’t expect them to ever tell you that.) Clear and communicated boundaries will help your teen feel loved and secure. Your teen needs a curfew. They need responsibilities around the house. They need someone to tell them about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and pornography. When they cross the line, there has to be a consequence. Conversely, if they do something right, there needs to be a positive consequence. That is how we learn, after all. Just a note: If you say you will do something, you MUST do it. Otherwise, you have just burned an important bridge of trust that is hard to rebuild.

Give these a shot. Even the smallest effort will bring great dividends. I promise.

P.S. These tips may also apply to spouses, young children, co-workers, and in-laws.