We live in a world of 50 of 50 when it comes to marital relationships. So many are keeping tabs, making sure that if they “scratch their spouse’s back” theirs gets scratched in return. If it does not, they get bent out of shape. Truth is, relationships never last when partners insist that everything be even across the board. A lasting, happy marriage can only exist when both sides are prepared to give 100% of themselves and not hold back. Interestingly, in relationships of lesser importance, we are often willing to give more and expect less than we do in a marital situation.

Why is that? First, it is much easier when there are no emotional strings attached. In the case of a co-worker, a neighbor, or even a friend we are much better at forgiving and allowing them the benefit of the doubt because we have fewer expectations for those individuals. More over, we usually do not have the same emotional history with an acquaintance as we do with a spouse. A shorter, unruffled past usually means that we do not anticipate hurtful behavior from that individual. In a marriage where feelings have been hurt on multiple occasions, we are often on the defensive even before the other opens their mouth to speak. Why don’t we show the same courtesy to our spouse by hoping for the best and when feelings are hurt, being willing to let it go and move on rather than harboring toxic grudges? Thinking of a spouse more as a friend in such a case might be helpful.

I am not suggesting that we should not have any expectations for our spouse or that we should forfeit our right to be treated with respect. What I am suggesting is that like with a friend or neighbor, we give our spouse the benefit of the doubt when they say or do something that we perceive as hurtful. Charity in the context of marriage means that you will give without expecting something in return, love unconditionally, and seek first to meet your partner’s needs before your own. You will quickly discover that as you forget yourself and make their happiness your aim, they will start to do the same for you. If there is a deeply negative emotional history there, it may take some time to earn back their trust. But with consistency, you will begin to see a change in how your partner responds to you. There will be more patience, more kindness, more service, more love.

As you seek to apply the 4 “C’s” in your marriage my promise is this: nothing will have the power to break your relationship because you will have the tools to weather any storm that you are confronted with. To your happily ever after.

Commitment: If you want to have something for a long time you treat it differently, right? Consider the difference between how you treat a cheap plastic plate versus your finest piece of china. You will handle your china with care because it is valuable and you want to have it for many years to come. Similarly, marriage is no trite thing. When two people take the plunge, both parties should be in it for the long haul. With that “till death do us part, in sickness and in health” mentality, you will find yourself treating your partner with greater respect and care than you otherwise would if you just thought the relationship was going to be short term or heaven forbid a “starter” marriage. (I find the very term offensive.)

The single strongest factor in keeping any relationship together is commitment. Regardless of who you are, you will face challenges in your relationship. Those obstacles may be self inflicted or may stem from outside sources. Whatever the challenges, understanding that they will come and believing that it is possible to weather the storm with your relationship intact is vital. Certainly to do so takes work, but again, it is NOT impossible. I have seen evidence of this countless times.

Recognize also that just because you do not get the same full body tingles you used to when you first kissed does not mean you are “falling out of love.” It is called being normal. It is just like when you ride the roller coaster for the fifth time. You cannot get the same buzz you got the first time around because eventually your body adapts to that experience. This is the case with anything from eating decadent cheese cake to your sex life. There are certainly ways to keep the flame ignited in your physical relationship, but know that some of that initial novelty will wear off in every case (and that includes if you were to marry Brad Pitt or Cameron Diaz). Remember that a happy, healthy relationship is about physical AND mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

When all is said and done, commitment is the glue that will hold a relationship together.