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What do unicorns, Atlantis, and the Easter bunny all have in common? You guessed it, they are all myths. That is not to say that believing in myths is always bad. I am a big fan of the tooth fairy and Santa and will happily continue to propagate those fairy tales to my children and their children. There are, however, some myths that can be harmful to us if we choose to believe them. Among one of these ugly fables is the notion that we can control our children. It cannot be done and if you have been told otherwise, you have been fed a mouthful of lies.

Before I became a coach, I was employed with the Utah Youth Village as a Families First Specialist teaching at-risk families life skills. It was very much like unto what you see on Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. I learned a number of lessons from this experience, but among the most poignant is that when you try to control your kids it only causes anger, resentment, and eventually rebellion. Children who feel manipulated and abused will often turn to drugs, sex, and other kinds of delinquent behavior as a result of such treatment. Certainly this is often the case for children who suffer parental neglect, but that is outside the scope of this article.

The good news is that in order to get the desired behavior from your child, there is a better and more effective way. It is called teaching. When you teach your child what you expect from them, it gives them a clear idea of what the appropriate choice or behavior would be in a given situation. Believe it or not, children do not always make bad choices spitefully. More often than not, I believe it is because they have not been taught a better way. By nature we avoid behaviors that cause us pain and continue behaviors that produce good results. When you train a dog, you teach them the desired behavior and then when they do it, you reward them. Children learn the same way. Sit down with your child, teach them the appropriate response in a situation, and reward them when they apply it correctly. Conversely, if you have taught them and they do not obey, you extend a fair consequence and teach them the principle again. You continue this process until they get it right – always encouraging and motivating them along the way.

How do you know if as a parent you are trying to teach or control your child? Controlling is negative, demanding, reactive, and punitive when mistakes are made. Teaching is positive, instructional, focuses on prevention and openly invites free agency of the child.

Through this consistent teaching process, your child will learn how to live independently, responsibly and happily and they will do it because THEY chose to, not because you forced them – and they will love you for it.