The last “C” in making your happily ever after is charity. People generally like that word when it is used in the the context of helping out the poor and the needy. We will often flock to give aid in the event of a disaster or tragedy and in many cases give freely of our time and resources without expecting something in return. But when the term “charity” is used in regards to marriage, folks seem to turn up their noses.

We live in a world of 50 of 50 when it comes to marital relationships. So many are keeping tabs, making sure that if they “scratch their spouse’s back” theirs gets scratched in return. If it does not, they get bent out of shape. Truth is, relationships never last when partners insist that everything be even across the board. A lasting, happy marriage can only exist when both sides are prepared to give 100% of themselves and not hold back. Interestingly, in relationships of lesser importance, we are often willing to give more and expect less than we do in a marital situation.

Why is that? First, it is much easier when there are no emotional strings attached. In the case of a co-worker, a neighbor, or even a friend we are much better at forgiving and allowing them the benefit of the doubt because we have fewer expectations for those individuals. More over, we usually do not have the same emotional history with an acquaintance as we do with a spouse. A shorter, unruffled past usually means that we do not anticipate hurtful behavior from that individual. In a marriage where feelings have been hurt on multiple occasions, we are often on the defensive even before the other opens their mouth to speak. Why don’t we show the same courtesy to our spouse by hoping for the best and when feelings are hurt, being willing to let it go and move on rather than harboring toxic grudges? Thinking of a spouse more as a friend in such a case might be helpful.

I am not suggesting that we should not have any expectations for our spouse or that we should forfeit our right to be treated with respect. What I am suggesting is that like with a friend or neighbor, we give our spouse the benefit of the doubt when they say or do something that we perceive as hurtful. Charity in the context of marriage means that you will give without expecting something in return, love unconditionally, and seek first to meet your partner’s needs before your own. You will quickly discover that as you forget yourself and make their happiness your aim, they will start to do the same for you. If there is a deeply negative emotional history there, it may take some time to earn back their trust. But with consistency, you will begin to see a change in how your partner responds to you. There will be more patience, more kindness, more service, more love.

As you seek to apply the 4 “C’s” in your marriage my promise is this: nothing will have the power to break your relationship because you will have the tools to weather any storm that you are confronted with. To your happily ever after.